Mystery Science Theater 3333 1/3: Season 3 Edited
by Tuxedo Alex
Summary: (EDITED FOR CONTENT) The long awaited Season 3! Our first Entrant: FRoyal FRumble


Wow, he actually got off his ass and did ANOTHER ONE! It's...  
  
MYSTERY SCIENCE THEATER 3333 1/3  
RIFFED BY TUXEDO ALEX  
EPISODE 21: FROYAL FRUMBLE (BY STEVEN SCHWENKE)  
  
DISCLAIMERS  
  
Mystery Science Theater 3000 is copyrighted by Best Brains Inc.  
  
The Anime references that appear here are not mine, rather the copyrights of their respected creators.  
  
"FRoyal FRumble" is the property of Steven Schwenke, and is being done WITH OFFICIAL PERMISSION I might add. This is not meant to be an assault on the author by any means. It is just a form of C&C on his work. So please do not flame me!   
  
@@@@@  
  
SATELLITE OF LOVE  
  
(The scene opens with Tuxedo Alex, Tom, and Crow on the SOL Bridge. For some reason, the other two heroes can't be seen...)  
  
TUXEDO: Hi, everyone! Welcome back to the SOL, all repaired and ready to drive us insane! (Sigh) Lucky me. Anyway, you might notice that we're a bit...shorthanded up here at the moment. You see...  
  
(Crow and Tom jump in front of Tuxedo to do their usual complaining.)  
  
CROW: Those two nincompoops with the word "Knight" in the super-hero title abandoned us here!  
TOM: With them gone, we've been left here to rot!  
TUXEDO: (Holding the robots down.) Not true! After the whole Plot Contrivance issue last time, somehow, our TOTS machine activated again! Must've been a leftover contrivance no one noticed. Anywho...  
TOM: We tried to use the chance to escape, so Silver and Falcon go down first.  
CROW: But as soon as Tom and I tried to board, Forrester catches us and blows the stupid machine up!  
TUXEDO: So, it's down to the three of us now. And we can't seem to contact the others, either. Forrester must be blocking communications down to Earth. Can it get any worse?  
  
(Gypsy enters the Bridge from the right.)  
  
GYPSY: Hey guys! I found some jet packs in the back room. What should I do with them?  
CROW: Don't worry, Gypsy, we know! Come on, Tom!  
TOM: Jetpacks! Whoo-hoo!  
TUXEDO: (Slaps his forehead in disgust) Ugh. We'll be right back.  
  
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COMMERCIAL: MESSAGE FROM THE AUTHOR  
  
I did it! I found the right plot-contrivance! I can continue my MSTings! You may worship me again! BWAHAHAHAHAHA...*cough*...*wheeze*... never mind...  
  
@@@@@  
  
BACK ON THE SOL...  
  
(Back on the Bridge, Tom and Crow are flying around on the jetpacks that Gypsy had procured. Tuxedo Alex is just sitting there, wondering how he got into this mess.)  
  
TOM: I'm hovering! Several more feet off the ground more than usual! Wheee!  
CROW: My brake button broke! I'm can't stop this thi*CRUNCH*...ow... (Crow just crashed into a wall.)  
TUXEDO: (Sigh) Gypsy, we're going to need to peel Crow off the wall...again...  
GYPSY: You'd think the Bots would leave the jetpacks alone, huh?  
TUXEDO: Um...no...  
GYPSY: I was being sarcastic.  
TUXEDO: Ah. (The red light on the console starts to flash.) And it looks like Asuka and Shinji are calling.  
TOM: (Landing) Don't you mean Shinji and Asuka?  
TUXEDO: If you've seen Eva, then I'm right!  
  
(The hexfield opens, and Dr. Forrester is in view. He seems to be in an exceptionally good mood.)  
  
DR. F.: Greetings, my "Three" musketeers! And as for the one in the suit, how does it feel being the only one of flesh on that dog bone, huh?  
TUXEDO: Oh, just fine. Peachy. How does it feel being the only one with any resemblance of a brain down there, huh?  
DR. F.: Well, it's okay I guess. Frank can be a handful sometimes. But I digress. I assume you got my memo about the Invention Exchanges?  
TUXEDO: As a matter of fact, I did. I assume that yours has something to do with explosions again?  
DR. F.: No, not this time. Explosions get pretty stale after a while. Frank's finished setting up the design in the next room. Oh, Frank?  
  
(The camera follows Forrester into the next room, where TV's Frank is performing the final adjustments to the contraption. On the outside, it looks just like an ordinary laptop, however, some wires extend from it to attach to several beakers along the wall. NOTE: Those who hate, hate, HATE spoilers might want to skip directly to the riffing. Here, we spoil the end of Eva unintentionally.)  
  
FRANK: All finished here, Steve. Dude! I got a Dell!  
DR. F.: That's a Compaq and you know it!  
FRANK: ...Yeah, but I just like saying that!  
DR. F.: Shut up. (Turns back to the camera) Anyway, if you've seen to the end of Neon Genesis Evangelion series, you'll notice that end is...well...the plot didn't go the directly in the direction you thought it did. AND, if you managed to see the MOVIE, well that just screwed you up even more!  
FRANK: I still get nightmares Ewwwww...  
DR. F.: Rightly so. The ending just kept getting stranger and stranger. Which is why I developed my latest invention from it! HAHAHAHA! (He goes to the laptop, activates it, and runs a program from the Start menu.) This invention is to take care of all those that are bothersome to you. Shinji found everyone bothersome to him in some way, so he got rid of them all!  
TOM: I don't think that's how Evangelion ended...  
CROW: It involved the evolution of mankind into one being, and how Shinji screwed it up!  
DR. F.: It's all a matter of interpretation. Anyway, so you want to get rid of someone. You just fire up this program, and select a target from anywhere on the planet. Frank, activate the test dummy over there, huh?  
FRANK: Got'cha, boss! (Frank presses a button on the wall, lifting a panel up. From out of it steps a Frank clone, half Frank's size.)  
DR. F.: Okay, we target the Frank clone, press the button, and...  
  
(A ghostly image of Rei appears in front of the clone. The clone touches her hand, and in an instant, melts into an orange liquid. In his place, a symbolic flaming cross appears, and floats into the atmosphere.)  
  
DR. F.: ...and their "AT Field" is disrupted! They fly off the Earth, looking for the supreme being to merge with in the next stage of evolution, but find no one! I call it the "Third Impact, Minus the Evas," or the TIME if you want to refer it to it's initials. Creative symbolic name for it, eh Masky?  
TUXEDO: Yeah, but suppose you use that one everyone in the world. Wouldn't you have no one to rule?  
DR. F.: Hmmm...I'll have to take that under advisement. I doubt you can do any better?  
TUXEDO: As a matter of fact, I can! It's a bit simpler, but it's fun!  
  
(Tuxedo picks up a remote control, and presses a few buttons. A Frisbee appears on the screen spinning, and seems to respond to the movements of the controller.)  
  
TUXEDO: Have you ever thrown your arm out when you're playing a game of Frisbee? It's a real bear of a pain, isn't it?  
TOM: Well, this little beauty allows you control any Frisbee of your choice hands-free! You can set it to any RPM of spin you want, and any speed you desire!  
CROW: Thus providing hours of good, clean, quality family fun at your fingertips!  
TUXEDO: We decided to call it the "Remote Variable Discus," or if you want to call it by its initials...  
  
(Tuxedo puts down the controller as everyone on the SOL points to themselves with their thumbs.)  
  
ALL: R-V-D! R-V-D! R-V-D! R-V-D! R-V-D! R-V-D! R-V-D!  
DR. F.: ...Uh...yeah.  
TUXEDO: So, what do you think, sirs?  
FRANK: I have a sudden urge to watch RAW, now. Gotta go! (Leaves the screen)  
DR. F.: Frank! Come back!  
FRANK: Awww...(Comes back on the viewscreen)  
DR. F.: You invented that just to have an excuse to go "R-V-D," didn't you?  
TOM: Well...  
TUXEDO: Um...  
CROW: (Sheepishly) ...yes.  
DR. F.: (Sigh) Boys, boys, boys...what am I going to do with you. (Thinks for a moment.) I know! I'll punish you by sending you an experiment based on your current obsession! It was originally going to be an Eva fic, but with this turn of events, I might as well send you the one I'm thinking of right now! Back in a minute! (He leaves the viewscreen as well.)  
TUXEDO: Oh great...  
TOM: We just HAD to support Rob Van Dam, didn't we?  
CROW: Why couldn't we invent the "Pulsating Ultimate Magnet Attachment?"  
TUXEDO: That would support your hentai behavior, Crow.  
DR. F.: (Coming back onto the screen.) Hah! I found it! I had to pluck it off the 411Wrestling website. This is one of many "Joker's Spot" columns by Steven Schwenke. This week, he just so happened to cram as many Final Fantasy characters into a WWF Royal Rumble setting. He calls it: "FRoyal FRumble." (He turns to Frank's direction.) Frank! Send them the pain!  
FRANK: (Offscreen) Woo-hoo! Puppies!  
DR. F.: (Sigh) Never mind. I'll do it myself. You'll be hurting after this one, I promise! HAHAHAHA! (The hexfield cuts off.)  
TOM: Schwenke? Is that Swedish?  
CROW: Or is it Finnish?  
  
(The klaxons go off on the Bridge.)  
  
TUXEDO: Well, the experiment sure isn't finished! We got WEEKLY COLUMN SIIIIIIIIIIIIIIGN!  
  
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DOOR SEQUENCE V2.1  
  
(6) A block of ice. You melt it with a handy-dandy flamethrower  
(5) Hate mail. You respond with a flame of your own, and move on.  
(4) Manos: The Hands of Fate. You violently tear the screen it's being shown on to shreds and you proceed.  
(3) Planet Zebes. It explodes, sending Samus running down the corridor. Perplexed, you continue.  
(2) The Monty Python Foot. It raises, and you pass under.  
(1) The door to the theater. Gulping, you enter to begin the hurting...  
  
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THEATER  
  
TOM: Final Fantasy and the WWF? Talk about something being done to death...  
CROW (Kurt Angle): It's true, it's true.  
JOEL: And I thought that Squaresoft's sponsorship of the WWF was a good thing...  
  
Joker's Spot 01.20.02: FRoyal FRumble  
Posted By Steven Schwenke on 01.20.02  
  
Buy the shirt. There, I said it. Now we can move on.  
  
TUXEDO: Eh?  
CROW: Must be a website reference.  
TOM: Gonna check 411 and see?  
CROW: Nah. Too lazy.  
  
Guess what?   
  
ALL (SCSA): What?  
  
I got two raises at work this month.   
  
ALL (SCSA): What?  
  
Guess what else?   
  
ALL (SCSA): What?  
  
I now have to work a minimum of 40 hours a week.   
  
TOM & CROW (SCSA): What?  
TUXEDO: Okay, I think that's pushing it a little.  
TOM & CROW (SCSA): What?  
TUXEDO: Guys!  
  
Needless to say, as a card-carrying member of the United Society of Slackers, Lazy-Asses, and Bums,   
  
TOM: Proudly providing your teamsters for the last 50 years.  
  
I'm now being forced to actually apply myself and it's insanely stressful.   
  
TUXEDO: At least you're not forced to watch bad movies and fan fiction like us, pally!  
  
But that's for me to deal with, agonize over, and buy enough cheap liquor and expensive pornography to   
dull the pain for another day so I can wake up and do it all over again.   
  
CROW: Dibs on the expensive pornography!  
TUXEDO: Crow...  
  
Seriously though, I have dealt with stress the same way for as long as I can remember: by watching   
wrestling and movies or playing video games.   
  
TUXEDO: Woah...he's like...speaking what I'm thinking...  
TOM: Hey! Focus!  
TUXEDO: Sorry, sorry...  
  
So I said to myself, as many other people have in the past,   
  
CROW (Author): Just who exactly performed Sable's, Chyna's and Stephanie's breast enlargement surgeries?  
TOM: Where did Vince McMahon buy his hairpiece from?  
TUXEDO: What black hole does Dr. Forrester FIND this stuff?  
  
just what is the hidden connection between video games and professional wrestling?   
  
CROW: Hell, we were WAY off!  
  
I considered writing a 50 page scholarly article on the subject complete with footnotes and a huge works   
cited page.   
  
TUXEDO (Author): Then I said screw it, and I wrote this thing.  
  
Then I said screw it, and decided to churn out an imaginary Royal Rumble featuring characters from   
SquareSoft's Final Fantasy series. Enjoy.  
  
ALL: ...  
TOM: Uh...did Jupiter Knight sneak into the author's chair?  
TUXEDO: Either that, or I'm now psychic!  
CROW: Okay then, what am I thinking of right now?  
TUXEDO: The Puma Twins in bikinis, like you ALWAYS do.  
CROW: Dang.  
  
FRoyal FRumble  
  
TOM: By FRiez FReeling   
CROW (Referee): FRumble! Loose plot! Lets see if the author can pick it back up again!  
TUXEDO: It's the Whole F'n Fanfic!  
  
January 19th, 2002  
  
TUXEDO: Just as Nostradamos predicted!!! (Lightning flashes behind the three.)  
TOM: Woah, nice!  
TUXEDO: Nostradamos predicted that, too.  
  
We are LIVE from Black Chocobo Arena   
  
CROW: But you're watching a pre-taped version, so nyah!  
  
in beautiful downtown Mid-World. Our first entrant this evening is Zell Dincht, from FF8.   
  
TUXEDO: Heh, "Dincht" think he'd be making an appearance!  
OTHERS: Ugh.  
  
He begins with a mini martial arts display   
  
TOM (Zell): Martial arts! Come get your martial arts! Only 75 gil an art! A bargain!  
  
before being attacked by entrant number 2, Wakka from FF10.   
  
CROW (Fozie Bear): Wakka, wakka, wakka! (Normal) I always wanted to do that.  
  
Wakka just completely abuses Zell, plastering him with Blitzball shots.   
  
TUXEDO (Wakka): Does this bug you? *BONK* Does this bug you? *BONK* Does this bug you? *BONK*  
  
His assault is so violent, both competitors miss the entrance of number 3, Edward from FF4. Completely   
out of his element,   
  
CROW: He de-equipped his fire immunity in exchange for the comforting ice immunity!  
  
Edward crouches in an unoccupied corner, gently strumming his harp and weeping silently.   
  
TOM: Shinji Ikari?  
  
Sabin of FF6 is number 4,   
  
TUXEDO: Spelled backwards, Nibas!  
TOM: Short for Nicole Bass!  
CROW: So basically, Sabin is a butch woman. Is that what you're saying?  
TUXEDO: Nah, we're just messing with various heads.  
  
and he immediately eliminates Zell with an Aura Bolt.   
  
TOM: Uh, aren't they supposed to throw them over the top rope and NOT turn them into piles of ashes?  
TUXEDO: Hey, don't knock it. It's not easy for Squaresoft characters to find work in new venues after their first game.  
  
Wakka then attacks him from behind while Edward stays hidden.   
  
CROW: Damn chameleon-like abilities.  
  
Steiner, the steadfast knight from FF9, is our 5th warrior, and he joins up with Sabin to assault Wakka.   
  
TUXEDO: But first, he jumps in place and throws a tantrum for his fans out there.  
  
Prince Edward of Damcyan begins playing   
  
TOM: ...some Kenny G, and is immediately booed out of the arena.  
  
a mournful harp song he learned to instill its listeners with a sense of calm and peace,   
  
ALL (Singing): Flyyyyyyyyy me to the moon, and let me plaaaaaaaaay among the stars...  
  
but it is completely drowned out by a roar from number 6, Red XIII of FF7. Red isolates Sabin with a   
series of claw swipes while Wakka   
  
CROW: Is still bonking people with his balls.  
TUXEDO: Crow!  
CROW: Well that's what he does, doesn't he?  
  
turns the tide on Steiner. Irvine from FF8 is our 7th competitor,   
  
TOM: Finally, someone with a gun! Just shoot everyone and get this over with!  
TUXEDO: Too easy. The author wants full torture effect going here.  
  
and together with Red XIII they completely destroy Sabin, who ends up hanging over the top rope with   
one foot dangling precariously above the heavy blue mats.   
  
TOM: And since he was completely destroyed, that was the only part of Sabin left intact from his bloody corpse.  
  
But before they can fill up their Limit Break meters and completely dispose of Sabin,   
  
CROW: You need Limit Breaks to vaporize a foot?  
TUXEDO: What is it made of, diamond or something?  
  
number 8 enters the ring   
  
CROW: Number 8...  
ALL (Barney): *BELCH*  
CROW: Number 8...  
ALL (Barney): *BELCH*  
CROW: Number 8...  
ALL (Barney): *BELCH*  
  
in a blast of smoke, the man they call Golbez, from FF4.   
  
TOM: The next night, WCW countered with Gillbez!...if they still existed...  
  
With a wave of his hand, the flaming red death known as Meteo rages from the skies. Goodbye Wakka   
and Steiner.   
  
TUXEDO: Huh? What happened? Did they just get up and leave?  
TOM (Wakka): Meteo?!? We can't learn that! (Runs away)  
CROW: (Chanting) Stein's a pussy! (Clap, clap, clap clap clap) Stein's pussy! (Clap, clap, clap clap clap)  
  
Irvine and Red XIII try in vain to quell the wrath of Golbez,   
  
TUXEDO (Irvine): Come on, you stupid wrath! QUELL! QUELL!  
  
and are struck down and sent sprawling across the ring in a blaze of green electricity.   
  
ALL (Singing): He rode a blazing saddle...  
  
Golbez eliminates both almost as an afterthought,   
  
TOM (Golbez): Oh yeah. Poof. You're dead.  
  
while Sabin struggles his way back into the ring.   
  
TUXEDO (Sabin): I'm gonna take this foot, and shove it up your candy ass!...the only problem is, there won't be much more   
of me to lay the smack down with afterwards!  
  
Amarant from FF9, he of the big red dreadlocks, enters as number 9. Golbez pulls out his trademark   
purple smoke, completly incapacitating Amarant,   
  
CROW (Singing): Purple haze, around his brain...  
  
and sending him somewhere south of Heaven with a blistering Bolt 3. The crowd breaks out into a huge   
"GOLLLLLL-BEZZZZZ" chant.   
  
TUXEDO: Unfortunately, it's all piped in...  
TOM: In six months, he goes and complains and bad mouths about Squaresoft and expects a job. Sad, really.  
  
As Golbez gloats over the fallen warrior, Sabin begins unleashing every Blitz at his disposal to send   
Golbez out of the ring.   
  
CROW (Sabin): Big Foot! Toe Attack! Kick of Doom!  
  
He is joined by his good friend, and 10th participant, Locke from FF6. Together they hoist the big man   
up and over the top rope. While waiting for the next competitor,   
  
TUXEDO: Sabin mysteriously regains his body so we can put a stop to all these foot jokes.  
TOM & CROW: Awwwwww...  
  
Locke steals 2 Hi Potions from Edward, not bothering an attempt to eliminate him.   
  
TOM (Locke): Hehehe...dickweed...  
  
Vincent, the hard-to-acquire hidden character from FF7 is number 11, and the FF6 faces beat him down.   
A snarling roar announces the entrance of   
  
TUXEDO: A returning Sable?  
TOM: A returning Tori?  
CROW: A returning Bad News Brown?  
  
Kimahri from FF10.   
  
ALL: Oh...  
  
He locks up with Sabin, leaving Locke to abuse Vincent in the corner adjacent from Edward.   
  
CROW: Ewwww, keep it in your pants, Locke!  
TUXEDO: Crow...  
  
The snap of a gunblade introduces   
  
TOM: A broken gunblade?  
  
number 13, Seifer, the SeeD hardcase from FF8.   
  
CROW: See D what? See D fanfic? See D absurdity? What should I see?  
  
He attacks Locke, and with Vincent's help, tosses him out of the ring. Vincent signals to high-five Seifer,   
who raises his own hand,   
  
TUXEDO (Seifer): Teacher, Vincent's picking on me!  
  
but not to slap palms. Instead, he tosses some Oriental salt into Vincent's eyes, and chucks him over the   
top.   
  
CROW: But then he up-chucked over the top, adding more "salt" to Vincent's wound, among other things.  
  
He goes into the lock-up with Kimahri and Sabin when number 14 enters, Big Bad Barret Wallace,   
  
TOM: Downtown Barret Brown!  
  
the resident enforcer from FF7.   
  
CROW: I never knew Arn Anderson was in FF7!  
TUXEDO: He's not.  
CROW: Oh.  
  
He unloads on Kimahri,   
  
TOM (Barret): The Big Bad Barretoski is cocked, locked, and ready to unload!  
TUXEDO: Tom!  
  
drawing the Ronso's rage, as Sabin begins to get the upper hand on Seifer. Vivi, the androgynous black   
wizard from FF9, comes in as number 15. He/she immediately attacks Edward, disrupting his one man   
harp rendition of David Bowie's "Space Oddity."   
  
CROW: Yeah, but can he play any Smashmouth?  
  
They exchange girlish bitch slaps back and forth and the crowd is firmly behind Edward, yelling   
"SPOONY BARD" during the entire fight.   
  
TUXEDO: Hey, lets all help out!  
ALL: (Point to Vivi) FUNNY HAT! FUNNY HAT! FUNNY HAT!  
  
Tellah from FF4 enters as number 16, and together with Edward, they eliminate Vivi.   
  
CROW: (Sigh) Once again, details of which elude us...  
  
Edward slinks back to his corner and Tellah stands in the middle of the ring, beckoning number 17 to   
come out. He gets his wish, as a blast of hideous laughter erupts from the backstage area.   
  
TOM: Oh come on! David Flair isn't even IN the Final Fantasy Series!  
  
The man, the myth, the legend,   
  
TUXEDO: The pee master...  
  
Kefka comes down to the ring. And he's packing a wad of Magicite.   
  
TOM (Stoned Kefka): Woah...this is why I'm so crazy!  
  
So long Tellah. Bye bye Barret. Sayonara Kimahri.   
  
CROW: And three more people just give up and leave like the wimps they are!  
TOM: The Drew Carey maneuver, ladies and gentlemen.  
  
Edward scrambles under the ropes and hides under the ring.   
  
TUXEDO (Edward as Shinji): I mustn't run away, I mustn't run away, I mustn't run away...  
  
Kefka joins with Seifer, and they whale the tar out of Sabin.   
  
TOM: Is Sabin just a foot again...  
TUXEDO: ...yep.  
TOM & CROW: YAY! WHOHOO!  
  
But not for long, as Tidus from FF10, number 18, rushes down to the ring to help even things up with   
Sabin. They tumble back and forth with Seifer and Kefka,   
  
CROW: Keep away with the foot!  
  
with the heels managing to hold their own. Then the tables are turned as Kuja, the even more adrogynous   
warrior from FF9,  
  
TOM: ...phones in sick and sends out Garland from FF1 instead.  
  
enters the Rumble as number 19. Sabin Bum Rushes Kuja,   
  
TUXEDO: Which is hard to do, considering he doesn't have a bum at this point...  
  
which sends him into Trance. This allows Kefka and Seifer to double-team Tidus and back him up into   
the ropes. But here comes number 20, Squall from FF8,   
  
CROW: Here comes Squall and HE'S INDIFFERENT!  
  
and the face/heel percentages flip/flop yet again. Squall gets the upper-hand on Seifer and sends him over   
the ropes.   
  
TOM: (Sigh) And then someone cast Knights of the Round, ending the fight. The End.  
TUXEDO: Not yet, guys.  
  
He locks up with Kefka and lets Tidus get back into the ring. Meanwhile, Kuja has Sabin pinned down   
on the mat,   
  
CROW (Sabin): Stop stepping on my toes!  
  
figuratively having his way with him.   
  
TOM: ...Oh, FIGURATIVELY! Okay, almost had a bad image there...  
  
Number 21, Sir Auron of FF10, thunders into the match, bad arm and all. With blistering speed, he   
  
TUXEDO: ...didn't see where he was going and eliminated himself. Laughter ensues.  
  
unleashes an Armor Break, Power Break, Mental Break, and Magic Break on Kuja, and then simply back   
drops him out of the ring. Auron then rushes toward Tidus and Squall,   
  
CROW (Squall): You stole my boring love story angle, you bastard!  
TOM (Tidus): At least I have a personality!  
  
who are trying to eliminate Kefka. Tidus grapples behind Kefka and holds his arms back, while Auron   
charges across the ring.   
  
TUXEDO: Who does Auron think he is, Sonic the Hedgehog?  
  
But Kefka ducks at the last moment, and Auron sends Tidus sprawling to the concrete.   
  
ALL (Muted Trumpet): Wah wah wah waaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhh...  
  
As he looks down in concern, Kefka smacks him in the head with Fenrir, and Auron lands squarely on   
top of Tidus. Shadow from FF6 is number 22 and he locks up with Sabin, shocking the audience into a   
mocking "You're Relm's Dad" chant.   
  
TOM: ...Why?  
TUXEDO: Try not to think about it, Tom.  
  
Squall retreats to corner and takes potshots with his Gunblade at Kefka   
  
CROW (Kefka): You know, if you use the SHARP side instead of the BLUNT side, you might be doing   
damage to me right now!  
  
while the 23rd participant enters, Kain from FF4.   
  
TOM (JR): The Small, Blue Machine! KAIN! THE CARNAGE! THE CARNAGE!  
CROW: Kain from Tenchi in Love would've been better.  
  
Using his mystic Dragoon abilities, he Jumps Kefka,   
  
TUXEDO: But he doesn't come down for about an hour or so, and gives Kefka enough time to sidestep Kain and   
have him crash through the center of the ring. Sad, really.  
  
and uses the leverage from his spear to lift the Esper master onto the top rope.   
  
TUXEDO: ...Or, that could happen!  
CROW (Nelson): HAH, HAH!  
  
Seizing the moment, Squall rushes forward, Gunblade raised for the coup de boop,   
  
TOM (Betty Boop): Coup De Boop Boop Bedoop, Boop!  
  
when Kain suddenly lowers his spear, and turns on Squall faster than a Greek waiter.   
  
CROW: Eh, the 411wrestling poll predicted this faster than it happened. All the signs were there...  
  
Lifting him up, as Kefka pulls down the ropes, Squall tumbles out of the ring at the same time that   
number 24 enters, Cloud from FF7. Kefka slinks back, and orders Kain to Jump the fresh hero.   
  
TUXEDO: Damn, Kain's being taken over by EVERYONE nowadays!  
  
But Cloud won't be denied that easily, and he casually side-steps Kain as he lands, and catapults him out   
of the ring with his gigantic Materia blade.   
  
ALL: FORE!  
  
Sabin and Shadow continue to tussle as the 25th man enters, Laguna Loire from FF8. He and Cloud form an alliance   
  
TOM: So which one is WCW and which one is ECW?  
TUXEDO: Shush! We'll call them the Alliance, or we'll be sued!  
  
and try yet again to eliminate Kefka. But out of nowhere, Sabin and Shadow rush forward, and knock both   
Laguna and Cloud out of the ring.   
  
CROW: Thank God THAT Alliance angle was over faster than the first one.  
  
All three FF6 characters throw out the Kliq sign, and they are now a force to be reckoned with.   
  
ALL: ...  
TOM: The Kilq...  
CROW: Here...  
TUXEDO: I think a gold, ol' fashioned "Oy" is needed here.  
TOM & CROW: Agreed.  
ALL: OY!  
  
In runs number 26, FF9's Zidane, and almost that quickly he is unceremoniously dumped out by Shadow.   
  
TOM: D'OH!  
  
Before the Rumble timer counts down, Jecht from FF10 comes out through the crowd,   
  
CROW: You think you know him...but it turns out to be some jerk you thought was your old college roommate.  
TUXEDO: Then it turns out that it IS your old college roommate, who's still a jerk.  
  
and just obliterates Shadow with the Jecht shot, launching him out of the ring. Sabin and Kefka try in vain   
to contain him for the next two minutes,  
  
CROW (Kefka): You get the net, I'll get the butterfly jar!  
TOM (Sabin): Okay, I'll just kick it over to you!  
  
but here comes number 28, FF6's Cyan, and together with his Kliq brothers, sends Jecht halfway to the   
Thunder Plains.   
  
CROW: Then some summons Bahamut and obliterates the arena, The End.  
TUXEDO: Come on, Crow.  
  
They stand around: Sabin fixing his hair,   
  
TOM (Sabin): It's so hard to get a decent hairstyle by fraying my shoelaces!  
  
Cyan sharpening his sword, and Kefka laughing hysterically, as the 29th particpant enters the Rumble.   
And he enters with a bang,   
  
TUXEDO: BANG! Yo, it's me! It's me! It's D-D-P!  
  
as the son of Jenova takes no prisoners. Sephiroth from FF7 is that man,   
  
CROW: And about a billion fangirls out there take part in various swooning , some even flashing the great villain!   
I guess I'll just sit around and watch...  
TUXEDO: Crow...  
  
and he blazes across the ring, knocking out Sabin, who was in the match longer than anyone else.   
  
TOM: Word has it that he'll finally get a push somewhere around FF16 for being the Iron Man of the Rumble.  
CROW: Well, Iron Foot really.  
  
Another swipe of the blade sends Cyan sprawling to the ground outside. Big stare-down between Kefka   
and Sephiroth ensues.   
  
TUXEDO (Kefka): Damn, he's cute.  
CROW (Sephiroth): Being in three dimensions, I should have NO problem whatsoever.  
  
They lock up just as the last man enters the ring, the holy paladin Cecil from FF4.   
  
TOM: Stone Cold Steve Cecil?  
TUXEDO: Hardly. If anyone is Stone Cold in Final Fantasy, they'd need a soft.  
TOM: Right...  
  
The heels then turn and Irish whip him into the ropes, but Cecil comes back with a double clothesline.   
Kefka rolls out of the ring, while Sephiroth and Cecil fight the legendary battle between good and evil.   
  
ALL: (Hum the dramatic final battle theme of FF4)  
  
Good seems about to triumph, until it is struck by a steel chair swung by Kefka.   
  
CROW: Good Guys: 0. Tweeners: 1.  
  
Stunned, Sephiroth tosses the paladin out of the ring, leaving only himself and Kefka. Sephiroth hacks   
away with his huge curved blade,   
  
TUXEDO: Sending Kefka parts everywhere.  
CROW: Oh great! His ear just landed in my head net!  
TOM: So that's what it's called. I always wondered...  
  
until Kefka gets the upper hand with a decisive eye poke.   
  
CROW: Of EVILNESS! MWAHAHAHAHAHA!  
  
He follows this up with a Flair-esque low blow, stunning the white-haired warrior and allowing Kefka to   
strike him down not unlike the way he struck down General Leo, and send him over the top rope.   
  
TOM: Methinks the Sephiroth fan girls will not be pleased with him going down so easily...  
  
He parades around the ring laughing,   
  
TUXEDO: It took about an hour before the Santa Claus float made its way to ringside...  
  
but the bell never rings. Kefka throws a screaming tantrum aimed at the time keeper, as Prince Edward   
slides back into the ring, and flips him over the ropes.   
  
ALL: ...  
TOM: Hell, I probably should've saw that coming.  
CROW: And low and behold, Shinji was the only one left.  
TUXEDO: Pretty ironic, wouldn't you say?  
  
The bell rings, and that's all she wrote.   
  
CROW: The fic's over YAY!  
TUXEDO: Hold on, we got one more sentence...  
  
Your winner: Prince Edward of Damcyan, as FF4 narrowly edges out FF6, FF10, FF7, FF8, and FF9.  
  
TUXEDO: Now we're done.  
TOM: Finally!  
CROW: Lets get outta here before I summon Anima!  
TUXEDO: You don't know how!  
CROW: I can learn!  
  
(The three leave the theater.)  
  
(1)  
(2)  
(3)  
(4)  
(5)  
(6)  
  
@@@@@  
  
COMMERCIAL: CHEESY PLUG  
  
Go to www.411wrestling.com! Check out the constantly updated Newsboard! Read the daily news posts by Joshua Grut, Flea, and Eric Szulczewski! Read the really cool columns, such as Mind Squeezins, Voice of Reason, The Mark Up, Tornado DDT, Ask 411, The World According to Ron, This Week in Wrestling, and Joker's Spot! Drool at their PPV Coverage! BUY THE SHIRT! GO AND BUY THE DANG SHIRT! GO NOW! All at 411wrestling.com! GO NOW! (Well, at least wait until the end of this MST...)  
  
@@@@@  
  
BACK ON THE SOL...  
  
(Tuxedo Alex and Crow are both sitting at a WWF announcer's desk. Tuxedo has donned a cowboy hat, and Crow has a donned a crown. On the edge of the desk is a banner, reading "RAW IS SOL.")  
  
TUXEDO: Welcome back, wrestling fans to RAW is SOL! I'm Good Ol' TA, sitting alongside Crow "The King" T. Robot, as we're set for the main event!  
CROW: Forget about the main event, TA! Check out the puppies! The puppies!  
TUXEDO: Keep your shirt on, King, as we have a treat for you tonight! Because of Steven Schwenke's neglect of adding everyone's favorite character to "FRoyal FRumble", we're presenting you with a special treat tonight!  
CROW: Oh man, TA! The puppies!  
TUXEDO: Tonight fans, we're proud to present to you the ALL CID Battle Royal! That's right, ALL the CIDS from FF4, FF5, FF6, FF7, FF8, FF9, and FF10! Seven Cids walk in, only one will walk out!  
CROW: Did I mention that there are PUPPIES?!?  
TUXEDO: Let's go to ringside for this special slobbernocker!  
  
(Cambot pans to a small ring, where Tom is dressed up like the Cid from Final Fantasy 7, a spear in hand. Laying on the floor are cardboard cut-outs of made up of the other Cids from the rest of the games mentioned.)  
  
TUXEDO: Well, um...it appears that the battle royal is already over!  
CROW: And after five seconds! And there's no puppies!  
TOM (Cid): Come on, you bastards! Get up and fight!  
TUXEDO: It appears that the Cids from FF4, FF5, and FF8 were complete pansies, and put up no offense at all!  
CROW: And the Cid from FF6 got food poisoning and DIED in the middle of the ring!...PUPPIES!  
TUXEDO: The Cid from FF9 got crushed from being the ogglop that he is.  
CROW: And the Cid from FF10 is lying under FF7's Cid's foot!  
TUXEDO: My God...the carnage...  
CROW: The puppies!  
TOM: Here I am! Come on out and fight me you Sh(BLEEP)t heads!  
TUXEDO: Watch Smackdown on Thursday to see what happens next!  
CROW: What do you think puppies...er, sirs?  
  
@@@@@  
  
DEEP 13 1/3  
  
(Both the Mads are in the middle of watching RAW on TNN, unaware of Crow's question. Both are heavily engrossed in Rob Van Dam's latest match.)  
  
DR. F. & FRANK: R-V-D! R-V-D! R-V-D!  
  
@@@@@  
  
BACK ON THE SOL  
  
TUXEDO: Um...sirs?  
CROW: I don't think they're gonna push the button any time soon...  
TUXEDO: So what do we do?  
CROW: Don't we have our own button for such an emergency?  
TOM (Cid): IF YOU SMELLLLLLALALALALALA...WHAT THE CID....IS...COOKING!  
TUXEDO: Oy. It's right over there. (Points right behind Crow.) I'm gonna have a long talk with Tom...  
CROW (Frank): Duh, live to serve, Steve!  
  
(Crow pushes a large, red button on the wall, and the screen fades to black.)  
  
@@@@@  
  
AUTHORS NOTES  
  
Wow, can this be? After more than a year, the beginning of an actual SEASON 3?!?!? I never thought that this would be true! COOL!  
  
Anyway, a little background. After the completion of Episode 20 with Tuxedo Jack, I fell under a massive funk thanks to personal problems. So much so that I stopped completely with my writings. It's taken me this long to come up with a new MSTing for you all, so I'm glad you've been so patient. Also, with the lack of Sailor Silver Knight and Falcon Knight, keep in mind that these are characters that are based upon real life friends. And I fell out of grace with one of them. So, to make things easier on myself, I took them off both the Knights off the Satellite. This way, I can focus more on riffing and not my personal life.   
  
In any case, here you go! Episode 21 of Mystery Science Theater 3333 1/3! If you're wondering of the OAV insert I promised, and the whole changing of the guard thing...forget it. I'm sorry. It died back in early 2001 along with many other things. But I'm still riffing for you!  
  
Keep a look out for newer episodes of MST 3333 1/3 in the future. I'll try to put them out more and more, but I can't promise anything. And please, go to 411Wrestling.com! Steven was nice enough to give me permission to use his column, it's the least you can do.  
  
Until next time, I'm Tuxedo Alex, and this became a self-insertion series...damn...  
  
STINGER: The crowd breaks out into a huge "GOLLLLLL-BEZZZZZ" chant. 


End file.
